Dropping the H-bomb

Week 14: Countertransference!!!!

Gahh. I wonder if the last few weeks are not indeed the hardest. They’re not, really. One teacher told us we don’t have to attend class any longer (yay for getting out at noon on Fridays!) and our last day of clinical was Thursday. Things are winding down its true, but I just wish they would come to a screeching halt sooner than later. I’m checked out. Completely checked out. I bombed my catheter evaluation, and while I didn’t mean to do quite as poorly as I did, I also didn’t try all that hard either. My brain is done, plus it’s been gorgeous outside. Even as I sit here writing this, I have studying for finals to do and I just can’t bring myself to get going on it. Maybe after happy hour for a few hours in the sun I’ll be more focused, but I doubt it.

I’m still tired (see previous posts)- I’ve been in bed by 10:30pm every night, I don’t sleep all that great and then force myself to go to class. Eh.. Ya’ suck, school! Plus, it’s been so flippin’ nice out, how am I expected to sit still, nose buried in a book? Unfair, I say!

Anyhow, it’s almost over- and so is my complaining. This week I have my final lab session, a meeting with my lab professor, my Hi Fi clinical evaluation and I don’t really know what else, I think that is all. The following week I have my final in 315, 305 and 335. Terrific.

I’ve been trying to work more; worked another 12-hour shift at the NICU yesterday. Spent most of it hating life in the mixing room, but then had a really interesting conversation with one of the nurses while I helped settle a baby. We started talking about school and then life stuff. She told me how she kind of wishes she hadn’t gone into nursing. She told me she wishes she could travel or had traveled more in her youth. After a while of us talking I had to ask her; “I apologize for asking, but as a nurse don’t you make enough that you can travel now and again? I mean, nurses do ok money-wise, right?” She nodded and then went on to tell me how she is the primary breadwinner in her family and her husband has suffered a myriad of health problems and she has 6 kids. Holy crap, 6 kids! No wonder she can’t get away. This all got me thinking about impermanence, and how much I take for granted. I just figure that I’ll get a nursing job, I’ll make enough that Charlie and I can go away once or twice a year, maybe travel Europe, maybe get a time-share in Hawaii (oh, how I wish!). We also talk about having a family someday in the not so distant future (that biological clock is a’ tickin’!), but these are just plans… and you know what God does to plans (in case you don’t know, he laughs at them). So while this looks good on paper, who knows if I’ll get sick, or Charlie will. What if we have a kid with disabilities or one of our parent’s needs to be taken care of. Yes, I probably shouldn’t worry about these things until I have to, and I’m not- but I’m letting their potential reality remind me that our time is fleeting; and how important it is to not rush into having a family right away or taking for granted that we have all the time in the world, because we might not. And as someone who has never had money, I just pray to God that he lets me enjoy it for a little while before dropping any major life crises on me.

I really feel like every time I work in the NICU I get some sort of life lesson from it; I feel like that also sums up the almost-decade I’ve been working in health care, which is why I’m going into nursing in the first place; sometimes my heart just feels so full- which brings us to the other theme of the week. Between saying goodbye to my 2 clients at the long-term care facility, and listening to the inspiring stories of the Chaplin from Providence Hospital, (and really, her singing “Everything’s goinna be alright” has played over in my head on at least several occasions since Friday), I’m lucky to have not spent the entire week a humbled, grateful weeping mess. But, I didn’t- so, yay me for being tough and “professional” (just don’t tell my lab professor that I cried a little in the hall the last day of clinical- she will totally call out countertransference on my ass!).

But, anyway- let’s get these next 2 weeks over and done so I can feel like a real life human again and do human things… like train for the 5k I signed up for at the end of June, like get my Master Beekeeper Certification from OSU, like work so I don’t have to water down milk for cereal anymore, and get the hell outside and enjoy the few fleeting months of sunshine we have in this gray, gray town.

Week 13: Are We Fucking Done Yet???

If I’m going to write about the crap, I need to write about the good stuff too.

Yesterday was my first day working ALONE in the NICU and I haven’t been there since I was being trained, 4 months ago. I had forgotten most everything.

The shift got off to a shitty start, people barking last minute feeding orders they needed yesterday, asked me to deliver them feedings, and pretty much created a cascade of events that delayed me from being able to start to mix- and I had a long list to mix for. I was behind, really behind. The entire shift I didn’t take a break, I was running too far behind, but finally found my groove.

I finally finished and felt so awesome about it! I had done it, conquered my fear of the mixing room! Just then one of my favorite nurses walked in; “Well, halleluiah you’re done! If you want to help feed and snuggle a baby for the rest of your shift, I have 3 feedings at 6pm.”

Sign me up! I cleaned the mixing room, made a quick pot of coffee, took a shot of it, and went off to feed a baby. The baby was super cute; I took her temp, changed her diaper and fed her. She finished her bottle with a half hour left in the shift. “Um… I could change her diaper again if you want, or help in some other way.” Sitting is not something I’m use to- at least sitting without a textbook or busying myself with some other task.

“You can if you really want to, but her mom lives in Seaside and can hardly ever make it in to visit. I think what she needs most right now is to be loved… And you earned it, you worked really hard today,” said the nurse, as she checked the baby’s monitor.  

So, that’s what I did. I held the little bundle against my will of needing to constantly move and do. I don’t know how to sit and just be sometimes, but this nurse was encouraging me to do just that. My life is a constant moving bustling blur with school and everything else, I am always going. But for a little while, I tried to forget all that, and to just be with this baby for the last half hour of my 12-hour shift; wondering the entire time, which one of us needed it most, her or me.

I left the hospital feeling good about life. At least half a dozen nurses thanked me for coming in, and asked me if I’d be back again soon. Some even offered to help me in the mixing room if I ever felt overwhelmed. I felt supported and really happy to be back. Plus, I had conquered my fear of being there alone, without another tech to help me- so that was pretty awesome.

Things are winding down with school and it’s been hard for me to give it the attention I’ve been giving it over the past 12 weeks. I’m just over it. I still need to finish my 320 paper, study for the test coming up in 305, make sure the project we’re presenting in 315 is up to snuff, and fix my web for 335- not to mention look over the HIFI lab evaluation and the catheter/sterile technique eval coming up. I should care, but I’m going on a hike today instead. Monday’s are for caring, not Sundays. In addition to not caring; I am exhausted, I’m beyond exhausted. I keep doing silly things that are totally unlike me. I’m tired and short- especially with poor Charlie. I’m ready for summer. I’m ready to be myself again and not the run into the ground ragged mess I’ve become. 

(PS: see previous post where my cohort helps me prove that I am not the only one feeling like a tired, forgetful, crazy mess… we’re all going through this crap) 

Week 12: Dx: Ineffective Coping R/T Nursing School AEB feelings of burnout, exhaustion and inability to complete assignments

Believe it or not I forgot all week that I had a blog until like, five minutes ago. I also forgot for a week that I had a gym membership, amongst other things I’ve forgotten. My brain feels very full of other stuff, like what’s due? How long is this 320 paper from hell going to take? Did I remember my pre-class post for 315? Exactly how fucked am I for taking Friday off from school last week and missing a pop-fuckin’-quiz?

I decided to work this weekend, mostly because I have to. I’ve been watching my bank account dwindle with each passing week; money leaving, none being replenished and so I’m sort of freaking out about it. Number #1 reason I’m really over this semester: I really need to work. I worked at the NICU yesterday and today I’m at the store. I also signed up to work at the NICU for a full 12-hour shift next Saturday, so fingers crossed that we don’t have too much homework over next weekend. On the Brightside, by this time next month, I’ll be on summer break- so if I can just muddle through these next few weeks, I’ll be fine; time to stock up on Top Ramen.

In happy news, I got the Student Events Coordinator (aka Bitchin’ PARTY THROWER!) position in student government. A big shout out to Bill Sumner for editing my bio on the fly, and all the people that voted for me. I was sincerely surprised to see I won, so I’m grateful for that. I’m also excited to start planning some fun stuff on campus!

I haven’t felt too overwhelmed this past week, just taking stuff in stride. I feel pretty on top of most stuff. Maybe I really am on top of it, or perhaps I just forgot about it, like how I forgot about the blog and the gym. The 320 paper is looming, but you know, it’ll be fine. The work WILL get done. The work WILL get done. I feel more TIRED and burnt out than anything else. Half the time I just sit in front of my computer thinking; “Ok… where to start?”  

Like now… Ok.. what was the other stuff I wanted to write about? There was a lot, but now I’m drawing a blank. Gahh!! Ok.. Well, if I don’t forget I have a blog this week, maybe I’ll update it when I think of more stuff to say. 

Week 11: Forget Sanity

I don’t feel like I have time to write this right now, I have a million things to do. But, I also feel like if I don’t write, I won’t get my authentically negative, sarcastic feelings toward school out, and they need to come out:

Here’s my weekend list:

1.       Write my Clinical Based Guidelines outlines, introduction, and work on the rest of the paper

2.       Work on my Evidence Based Synthesis Paper

3.       Do reading and questions for 305 (2 chapters because I didn’t have time to do homework due today)

4.       Study for major Medication test on Tuesday

5.       Interview a child and write about it for 315

6.       Rewrite my Functional Health Patterns, so they aren’t a super mess when I hand them in.

7.       Clinical Reflection for 335

Umm… I’m sure there are others I’m forgetting, but pretty much everything on the list is time consuming, not to mention that one is a TEST that I’m pretty sure I need to get 100% on, and last I checked there were 2 days in a weekend, not 5 or 6, which is what it would take to get everything done. There’s a part of me that wants to send a note to all my professors; “You motherfuckers are CRAZY!” But that would be disrespectful, although warranted.

I also planned on taking 1 day off this weekend, since I have not had a day off since spring break and I feel like I’m on the brink of insanity. Nursing School Tip: In order to be successful you must make your mental health your LAST priority. I would be doing far better if I could disconnect the circuits in my brain responsible for anxiety, panic attacks, overwhelmed feelings, and a firm grasp on reality. Reality is the enemy right now. Reality tells me that no matter how hard I work, shit’s not going to get done. So, what’s the alternative? There has to be one, because REALITY is fucking crazy. Maybe drugs are the answer? Something that would make you feel so euphoric, and zoned-out of your mind that you just don’t care? I don’t know what the answer is, but like I said last week, “The work has to get done and will get done, somehow, someway,” now, you might be getting it done from the fucking crazy house because you sit so much you have pressure sores on your ass, and you’ve gotten so fat and depressed from inactivity that adds to the misery of the already impossible tasks you’re being given; that’s a possibility, but it will get done.

And yet, with all this chaos, I am going to take a fucking day off; probably Sunday. And tonight I’m going out to see a movie with a friend and I don’t fucking care about school right now and I resent that I can’t take one fucking day off and not feel horribly guilty and like I am shooting myself in the foot for doing it.
Jesus, is it May yet? I’m done.

In other happy news, I am looking forward to taking a day to myself and to go out tonight and get lost in a movie for a little bit. I got a really good grade on my 305 test that I studied ALL last weekend for. I passed medications for the first time yesterday which wasn’t a great experience, but at least doing it for the first time is out of the way. I slept well the past 2 nights, but I’m a little afraid that with all this work, I might start having trouble again. Ugh. *Sigh*

Ok.. Well, that’s enough complaining for one afternoon. I’m going to see if I can get some work done before going out tonight. Hopefully, I will be able to report that I followed through with my plan for “me time” this weekend AND I will get a lot done. Hopefully. 

Week 10: A Fleeting Feeling of Accomplishment

I’m feeling rather accomplished today. First, I took my 305 test #2 this morning which was awesome to get out of the way. I had spent the entirety of last week running a metaphorical marathon (yet, ironically not getting much physical exercise). Every day I maintained a crazy pace of running from one class, to next class, from one assignment, back to studying for the test, to lab, to the next assignment, back to practice for my assessment (tomorrow), and then more studying. It was a bit nuts, but so goes school. I kept it together pretty well I must say; I only cried once! But yeah, it was totally fine and I feel good about the test. I am really hoping for an A and yes, I will be disappointed if I don’t because I KNEW this stuff.

In other accomplishment news, I finished my Medication Administration Records for my patient today. It came to 23 pages and 15 medications. It feels really good to have that out of the way.

I must report overall, I’m feeling pretty damn good. I think I’m getting the hang of things. I mean, this past week was chaos and I was relatively okay. I have a ton of papers, interviews and other such bullshit currently hanging over my head and I am content letting it hang there for a little while. I’ll get to it in good time, and if I don’t… I can just fake and illness or something and do it then. But chances are; it won’t have to come to that. ;)

I do have a life outside of school, believe it or not… sort of. I mean, it’s tiny, but it still sort of exists in an embarrassingly boring sort of way. It consists of working out when I can, lamenting the fun adventures and creative endeavors I had in the past, playing board games with Charlie, watching a few television programs that I really dig and some nights looking forward to that solo bath/bowl of ice cream/wine party .* Sigh*.

 As pathetic as that sounds, it is only temporary. I am a mere month and change away from SUMMER; working, getting my master beekeeper certification, making some art, being outside and work at salvaging some friendships that have been neglected due to school responsibilities (sorry, dudes!).  I need to keep that in mind when things start feeling pathetic. And to remember that pathetic isn’t necessarily bad. It means I’m focusing on something worthwhile and it’s only temporary (oh god, why did you curse me with such a major lack of patience??!!).

In other newses, I’m taking myself on a date next Sunday (the ONLY dry day predicted for the next 2 weeks) to do whatever I want to do and do zero school work. I’m thinking biking to the farmer’s market, maybe going to Forest Park… can’t wait! 

Week 9: Stress? What Stress?

I have no idea how to edit this stupid Resource Analysis paper, so I’m just going to not look at it tonight. If I had been smart I would have looked at it a week or so ago and gotten help with it, so I wouldn’t be all freaking out and clueless the day before it’s due. Oh well. It’ll get done, somehow. I hope.

Anyway, let’s move on …

I feel excellent. I feel like spring break flipped some switch in me. Maybe it was the piroshkies, or maybe all the drinking? I don’t know, but whatever it was it was good. Plus, I put some good things in motion this week, and being in motion is just what I needed.

Monday, I treated like it was still spring break. It was Chuck BB’s last night in Portland, and we met up with some folks at the Spare Room for karaoke (sooo awesome to see the lovely Brianna!!). Holy shit, do I love you, Spare Room: cheap drinks, large, divey setting, with a KJ that sometimes plays saxophone, and a resident air-guitar player. Really, does anyone need more than that in life? Fuck no. Every Monday, y’all.. if you want in, just hit me up. The more the merrier!

The rest of the week progressed as weeks tend to do, a blur of homework, quizzes, and evaluations. It’s starting to become no big deal really. Stress, schmess. The work will get done. Whether I kill myself doing it or not, it will get done.  

I did find myself a naturopathic doctor this week, which is cool. I was already tweaking my diet a little, but there’s a lot I don’t know about diet.. like how my favorite vegetables are the highest in sugar. Dang, even the veggies are against me. Having a naturopath just gives me someone to help me along the way and gives me someone I have to check in with periodically. It’s a good thing. So far, I feel great. I think a main component of anxiety is feeling like you’ve lost control, regaining control of diet, exercise and life-stuff definitely helps.

Other than that, it’s been an okay weekend. The weather was beautiful, but I hardly got to enjoy it because I had a lot of homework to do, and I’m still not completely caught up. I did have a fun night taking in my friend Christina’s artwork and grabbing Indian food with Ashley on Friday night. Today, I took out a few hours to dye Easter eggs with my sister and nephew and that was fun. I also baked cookies all day for my campaign at school for Student Events Coordinator! Fingers crossed I get it… my poster is so bright, it’s BLINDING, so if I don’t blind everyone maybe they’ll vote for me??

I also got my class schedule for Fall: Thursdays off and a whole team of iffy professors, at least some of my friends from this semester will be there with me, and we can muddle through another term of disorganization and confusion together.